


alone is safer than with you

by ReychieCakes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Insecurity, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Overthinking, Rating because it gets a little spicy in Brazil, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:54:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28333428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReychieCakes/pseuds/ReychieCakes
Summary: Hinata Shouyou is so full of love, it’s a shame there is no one who wishes to share it with him.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu, Hinata Shouyou/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 39
Kudos: 160





	alone is safer than with you

**Author's Note:**

> sorry shouyou ;-;
> 
> Title and italicized page breaking lines are from the song High Definition by Waterparks.

_// I like you inconveniently //_

Upon entering high school, there are many things Hinata Shouyou loves.

He appreciates the sweet smell of tamagoyaki his mother would often prepare for him in the mornings before school. His adoration for his sweet sister is something he tries to hide, yet anyone who paid even a little attention could see just how precious she truly was to him.

And there is no love that compares to the satisfying slap of a volleyball hitting his palm, and the total euphoria that would follow after.

Indeed, there is so much he had already experienced in his 15 years that he was confident he had felt it all. The highs of winning a tough practice match, the joys of spending his free time with his friends, the comfort of finally making it home and laying in bed after a long commute that followed an even longer day.

That was, until, one day he felt lost.

No really, he was genuinely lost. His rampant running one practice led him to running into Kozume Kenma, and that’s when he was reminded of a love he never even considered before.

Romance.

Shouyou’s first crush almost felt as though it was love at first sight. Or, atleast, adoration at first sight. They had met during a fated meeting before their first practice game against each other, and it was the first of many one on ones between the two.

Kenma was a true mystery to Shouyou. His eyes held mischief, and his words were highly calculated. To many, Kenma would come off as cold or closed off. But to Shouyou, he learned quickly just how expressive he truly was. 

The two became close instantly. Kenma would usually call Shouyou his best friend, and that would in turn make him feel all giddy for meaning so much to the clever setter.

They were so close that merely 2 months after they had met, Kenma decided to disclose some personal information. During a typical phone call the week before their schools and a few others would be going to training camp together, Kenma opened up. 

“I love someone.” His voice sounds hesitant over the grain of the phone.

Shouyou holds his breath.

“I’m in love with Kuro.”

In love with his childhood best friend.

In love with not Shouyou.

“No way, what's it like?” He responds quickly and as excitedly as he could, while trying his very hardest to make sure it did not sound forced. Kenma was too sharp at reading people, and if Shouyou did anything out of the ordinary, he knows that he would not hesitate to call him out. 

And talking about Kenma indirectly rejecting him was not how Shouyou wanted to spend his evening.

Kenma then describes his feelings, speaking slowly and concisely. Although Shouyou attempted to listen, it hurt a little too much.

“There aren’t many people I want to spend time with, but with Kuro…” He trails off, and Shouyou knows that feeling all too well.

“I just always want to talk to him, kind of how I always want to talk to you,” Kenma says, and Shouyou wonders if he would ever know the piercing strength of his words going right through him. 

“Would you ever tell him?” Shouyou asks, desperately moving on from where the conversation was going.

Kenma is silent on the phone, and Shouyou is glad he can’t see how he looks right now.

“Maybe,” is his meek response.

A few weeks pass, and Shouyou is delighted to be reconnected with Kenma in person at his first ever training camp.

On one particularly grueling hot day, the two are sitting together in the sun eating watermelon. Shouyou is flailing his arms as he speaks of his excitement of how impressive Fukurodani’s ace was, sweat flying off his arms as he goes. During this, Kuroo decided to join them, sitting between the two. 

Shouyou finishes his raving quickly, and there is a momentary silence as they enjoy their mid day snack.

“I remember when you used to hate watermelon,” Kuroo comments, poking Kenma in the shoulder teasingly. Kenma does not falter, though his cheeks tinting the smallest amount of pink did not go unnoticed by Shouyou.

“You know, his favourite fruit was always apples.” Kuroo turns his head to face Shouyou. “There was one birthday years ago where all he wanted was apple pie, but instead got a regular birthday cake. And you know what he did?” Kuroo’s sly smirk grew wider, making Kenma scrunch up his face behind his fruit.

“Stop it Kuro.”

“He cried!” Kuroo laughs his signature cackle, and Kenma returns him a small shove to the side, saying something about how he was still a child. The two engage in conversation, and Shouyou puts on his most convincing smile as he pretends to listen to them.

Even though he was only a kid at the time, Shouyou could not imagine Kenma crying. Shouyou couldn’t imagine Kenma doing any of the things Kuroo would tell in his stories. And Shouyou definitely could not make Kenma as flustered and abashed as he is at this moment.

He didn’t know Kenma like Kuroo did. Shouyou knew about his favourite videogames, and he was learning about his skills as a setter. But he would never even compare to his childhood friend, not even close. He is nothing like the tall, talented, tough Kuroo. It wasn’t hard to feel inferior to the middle blocker, though now it was no longer just because of his height and experience. 

So Kenma did not like Shouyou the way he did. It stings a little, but it is okay. In the very least, Shouyou knows what to expect when feeling romantic love. This deep ache he held that went beyond friendship. This intense attraction is overwhelming for sure, so now he could just brace himself for the next one.

// _You’re so bad at loving people back //_

Shouyou’s second crush was the first time he fell in love. From what once was a bitter rivalry when they first met, turned into a feasible love/hate partnership that grew with each passing day they shared together. The sync that Kageyama and him shared was unmatched, and yet throughout their entire first year together, the middle blocker was confident it was just pure teamwork that would fill his heart with joy at the sight of his setter. Simply put, Kageyama made him feel invincible when they were together on the court. He knew he would have never made it as far as he did without him.

It hit Shouyou hard and fast when he realized what he was actually yearning for.

Quite literally, it knocked him out almost cold.

Shouyou was on the other side of the net on the first day of practice in their second year. After 2 months of not seeing each other between school years, Kageyama had looked different. Maybe his hair was longer, or maybe he was presenting himself with more confidence now no longer being the youngest one on the team. Shouyou could not stop staring at him from the moment they raced to the gym, nor could he shake how fast his heart was beating.

And what was even more bizarre was how he instantly realized how much he missed him. 

Practice was shortly going to begin, so it was only fitting for Shouyou and Kageyama to quarrel.

“You know,” Shouyou begins with a smug smile, actively avoiding eye contact from his tall teammate, “my receives have gotten _way_ better than they were since you last saw me.”

Kageyama scoffs, a usual sound from him that always lights a fire in him.

After a few shouts growing louder than the last, Kageyama walks towards the bin of volleyballs and takes one in his palm.

“Prove it to me then.”

The two moved to the court to settle this argument.

Still caught in his trance even on the opposite side of the gym from him, Shouyou’s attempt to prove to Kageyama that he’s improved his receives is a complete and utter failure. His killer serve moves fast across the gym, faster than Shouyou has ever seen it, before colliding straight into his face, knocking him out. Bracing his fall with his arms, he tumbles backwards onto the cold gym floor in a fast daze. 

With the entire team crowding him, his blurry vision focuses on a certain pair of concerned blue gems. Was it a new concussion on the first day? He wasn’t sure, but there was one thought that he knew positively was true.

And that was how much he adores this man.

Their teamwork with each other is out of this world, and after such a dazzling first year together, they truly have started to make a name for themselves. Beyond their ability to succeed in the sport that was basically their entire lives, they began spending more time together off the court.

Sure, they had spent much time together outside of volleyball in the year of them knowing each other, but it never was as deep as it was now. Spending evenings together until it was late was normal for them, though soon these late nights turned into opening up to each other. 

There are so many reasons Shouyou fell for him, he realizes through all the time they are together. On the court, Kageyama makes him feel as though he’s 200 centimeters tall, and powerful enough to take down the best volleyball players in the world. Off the court, he makes him feel listened to, even if he’s not the best at social interaction. He especially loves how nothing is ever too intense between them (besides volleyball, of course), yet Kageyama always finds a way to push him to do better.

Not to mention he also is beautiful to look at. His hair is silky and put together and his eyes are unfairly bold. What Shouyou finds the most enticing are his hands. There was something about his long slender fingers that was captivating.

Shouyou is truly, thoroughly, vibrantly in love well into his second year. And with a brief kiss on a cold evening during the icy winter, it finally clicks. Thus began the next few months of stolen sweets together. The warm gloved hands meeting each other on their walks home from practice, the lunches sharing their meals together. Even their weekends together playing volleyball, or tiring themselves out enough that they would have to relax around. More lazy kisses are shared, and hugs goodbye are now a constant.

It was a silent comfort, Shouyou was sure. 

One day during the hot summer, Shouyou feels a newfound courage to clear the air on their label-less relationship.

“So…” Shouyou starts. It’s a humid afternoon, and the two are sitting side by side on a bench after some vigorous training. 

Kageyama does not respond as he picks up his water bottle from beside him. He takes a long swig of the beverage.

“Are we like… boyfriends?” 

Immediately Kageyama chokes on his drink, startling Shouyou. He coughs as he taps his chest with his fist, and normally Shouyou would have found this scenario hilarious, if it were not for the frightening question he had just asked.

Kageyama is clearly embarrassed. His cheeks are bright red, and he’s avoiding Shouyou’s eyes by staring in the opposite direction. It’s hard for Shouyou to make sense of this situation, being unable to read Kageyama for once.

After a seemingly elongated few seconds, Kageyama turns his head slightly to face forward.

“Does it matter?” Kageyama is flustered in his delivery, cheeks still as rosy as they were when he was choking on the water. 

“Why wouldn’t it matter?” Shouyou counters, his words confused and laced with frustration.

“Well, I’m happy. You’re happy. What more is there to it?”

That was normal for Kageyama. He fears verbalizing anything scary to life. And if he needs time to figure out where his head is at, then Shouyou would happily support him.

Although, this quiet arrangement the two shared would feel particularly lonely when watching his friends continue forward in their love lives. Watching Yamaguchi kiss his blond haired partner in the middle of the gym on Valentine’s day may have been seen as a gross public display of affection to most, but Shouyou couldn’t help but yearn. He sneaks a glance at Kageyama, who was very clearly, forcibly looking at anything but the display in front of him, or the puppy dog eyes of his sort of boyfriend. 

When it was time for graduation, Shouyou finds out Kageyama has been accepted into the Schweiden Adlers. In a normal world, he would’ve been ecstatic for his love. So what was stopping him? Was it the regrettable jealousy of Kageyama’s pure and natural talent that lives within the depths of Shouyou’s mind? The sadness that he will be beyond busy from here on out starting the beginning of his adult life?

Or was it the fact that he did not find out from Kageyama? No, he found out from his team. In fact multiple people on the team. Even Tsukishima brought it up to him before Kageyama. Everyone but his love himself had something to say about the news.

The tears cascading down his face are loud and clear to Kageyama when he catches him getting his bike, with just a few weeks left of school. 

And instead of Shouyou yelling at him, exclaiming his hurt, his pain, his projected requited love, he instead smiles.

A pearly, forced grin with tears invading it’s authenticity.

“I’m so happy for you Kageyama.”

And all Kageyama does is nod.

After that moment, Shouyou truly understands where his faults lie. He is absolutely in love with his setter, and being so blinded by it, he failed to notice that it was not reciprocated in the way he wants. No, not even close. 

He ignores Kageyama the last few weeks of school, besides necessary interaction at their final practices. By forfeiting making an effort, Shouyou anticipates some sort of reaction from him.

In turn, Kageyama does nothing.

“What now?” Shouyou asks on the day of graduation.

“We continue forward to our dreams.”

“And what does that mean for us?”

Kageyama gives him a narrow staredown. An icy glare, one that does not mean any malice. Shouyou knows that, but right now it feels intentionally hurtful.

“We go our separate ways until we can meet again.”

Shouyou looks down. “And where is our meeting point?” His voice is small, subdued, a perfect way to break his facade of being okay with this.

Kageyama takes a step closer which makes Shouyou finally look up.

“The world stage, where else?”

Right. Volleyball. Because that's all it ever was between them. A partnership that enhanced both their skills on the court. 

He never told him that he had fallen in love. It was probably for the best, making it real to the universe would have made this goodbye a treacherous ache. Shouyou could not imagine it hurting anymore than it already does.

Kageyama starts to walk away, before pausing with his back turned to Shouyou.

“Let’s do this again sometime?” He asks, and Shouyou feels a little spark of hope.

And then Kageyama never reaches out again.

A week after graduation, Shouyou texts him asking him if his practices started.

Two weeks after that, he sends Kageyama a photo of him, Yachi, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi having coffee together, followed by saying he wishes he could have made it.

A month later, he sends him good luck for his very first official Adlers game, attaching the cutest GIF he could find of a chibi animal cheering him on.

Two months later, it is Shouyou’s birthday. He hopes quietly in the furthest corner of his heart that Kageyama will finally message him.

When he doesn’t, Shouyou lays silently in his bed, staring at the dull ceiling above him for the final minutes of his special day. When the clock strikes midnight on June 22nd, Shouyou weakly sends him a simple message.

_i miss you kageyama_

And that was the last time he reached out. 

Shouyou knows he must have done something wrong. From everything being so earnestly perfect between them, to Kageyama giving up on him means he missed something. That Shouyou was not enough to be worth the free time he had. 

After countless tear filled nights, Shouyou concocts the idea that this is all because he never told him how he felt. And since he was not clear, it’s his fault for the relationship crumbling. Kageyama is as emotionally stunted as they get, so maybe if he was more clear then maybe it would have worked.

The regret dormantly sits within him throughout the rest of his year off after high school while preparing for his big move, right down to the moment he is leaving Japan.

Kageyama does not come to see him off the day he leaves for Brazil. Shouyou knows confidently that he knew of his departure because Yachi had let Kageyama know of her goodbye party a few nights before his flight. And Yachi also very clearly let him know the time he was leaving the country, detailed text messages and all.

Simply put, Kageyama chose volleyball over him.

“I’m sorry, Hinata,” Yachi whispers in his ear as they hug one final time at the airport.

She did not need to explain why she was apologizing, her tone speaking volumes of disappointment.

“It’s okay!” Shouyou smiles as he holds her close. He hopes she couldn’t feel him shaking as he tightened their embrace.

Because really, it wasn’t okay at all. 

With one last teary wave to his friends and family, he grips his luggage tightly and leaves to board the plane. 

When the flight takes off, Shouyou can not help but pray that he can finally leave behind all the heartache. All the late nights of wondering where he went wrong, or the sullen thoughts of why he was not worth an explanation as to why he was left unanswered and without a goodbye.

There is no more space for Kageyama on his mind. This was the beginning of his future, the start of his passion coming into fruition. And after a year of his unexplained disappearance out of his life, maybe finally Shouyou can start to get over it.

If only moving on was as easy as saying it.

_// Who wants to be close with someone who always goes away? //_

Shouyou never would have guessed that the third time he falls in love is with someone who brought him and his high school team their first crushing defeat.

Running into Oikawa in Brazil is something Shouyou would not have dreamed of in his most crazy dreams. Though there he is, looking sunkissed, fearless, and just as surprised as he is.

After a week of playing beach volleyball, sharing all their meals, and every other moment besides sleep spent together, Shouyou’s homesickness is now a lost memory buried deep within the sand underneath their toes. 

Once playing their last game together, the two walk slowly along the sidewalk not talking, nothing but the cool waves of the beach filling their ears. It’s so late that most stores have closed for the night, though the light from the moon was shining enough to show them a path.

It’s a serene silence, so relaxing for a pair who have only reconnected a few days prior. Shouyou can’t help the disappointment that this is their final moment together until who knows when. Their time together was the most fun he has had since he arrived at his new home.

And having someone to talk to in a language he is able to fluently speak in, someone who mirrors his goals for the future, someone who exudes a brash yet admirable attitude means a lot to him.

Shouyou always thought the Grand King was cool in highschool, and getting to know him personally proves that his admiration was fitting.

A warm hand is placed gently on his cheek, turning Shouyou to face him. Oikawa leans down with his eyes fluttering shut, and presses his lips softly against his. 

It is a slow kiss, but it is filled with confidence. Completely different from the pensive kisses he would share with Kageyama. When Oikawa pulls away, he’s still leaning forward as he looks down at him with unsure eyes.

Shouyou is unmoving, his cheeks stained with a fiery red he hopes is being hidden in the darkness of the night. He is stunned and bewildered, trying to process the fact that this talented and glorious man before him had just kissed him.

Oikawa’s curious eyes do not falter as they look back at him, and Shouyou is unsure how much time has passed between them standing in the middle of the sidewalk. He’s thankful the beach is empty at this moment. 

And then Shouyou grins, reaching for Oikawa’s hand. 

Oikawa squeezes it gently, and the duo continue their walk once more.

“Do you want to come back to my hotel room?” Oikawa asks innocently as he looks straight ahead, and Shouyou is jealous at how calmly he can ask such a thing without a hint of embarrassment.

Though his face is still on fire, Shouyou feels a wide grin form. With the most courageous words he could muster, he responds.

“Sounds good to me!”

The moment they are inside the hotel room, Oikawa wastes no time in guiding them towards the king sized bed. His lips are on Shouyou once more, now this time with more fierceness. They tumble into the bed, Shouyou’s back hitting the soft cushions. Oikawa is on top of him as his hands begin to explore.

His kisses are adventurous and his touch is experienced. Shouyou keeps up with him as well as he can, enamoured by everything Oikawa is making him feel. 

It’s obvious to him that Oikawa’s experience in this is miles further than Shouyou is. But this overflowing passion that Shouyou feels in his head and other regions of his body makes him quiver in anticipation.

Apparently the quiver is more physical than he anticipated, because Oikawa pulls back. He’s still straddling him, his breaths heavy. He brings his hand back to Shouyou’s face, similar to how he did at the beach before he first kissed him. Except this time he is tracing the outline of his face, starting at the top of his cheek, slowly working it’s way down. 

He can feel the roughness of his touch, his fingertips showing the years of hard work and dedication to the sport they both love.

“You okay?” Oikawa asks, his feathering touch lingering at Shouyou’s chin.

Shouyou nods a little too aggressively, and attempts to lift his body up to find Oikawa’s lips once more. 

Oikawa places his free hand on Shouyou’s chest with little pressure, halting him.

“Let me rephrase that, what are you comfortable with?” Oikawa gazes so deeply into Shouyou’s eyes, his deep brown eyes shining with consideration. Shouyou can’t help but look away, though he still feels the burn of his look on him.

“Anything really…” He responds, now very focused on the wall to the left on him. He continues speaking as firmly as his words will take him. “What do you want to do?”

“I’m just happy to have you here with me,” Oikawa assures, tilting Shouyou’s face back into his direction. “And if we spend the night just simply kissing and being together, then that’s fantastic. I trust you, and hopefully you trust me too.”

It’s a shockingly thoughtful gesture of him, Shouyou can’t help but think. He always assumed these kinds of hookups were a quick, thoughtless experience and then you move on the next day. Yet Oikawa will not continue until he knows what Shouyou’s boundaries are. His heart flutters a little too much at the thought that maybe this is more than that.

That, or maybe Oikawa is just a very respectful person. Shouyou should not get his hopes up, considering this is their last night together. 

“I trust you.” Shouyou finds the strength to look at Oikawa once more. And what perfect timing, because Oikawa’s smile is so sincere that Shouyou’s poor heart feels as though it will burst.

Oikawa pulls back for a moment, slowly taking off his shirt. Shouyou bites his lip at the sight of his newly exposed skin.

His muscles are impressive, and his toned abs make Shouyou want to drool. How could someone so breathtakingly beautiful want him?

Lips meet his own once more, crashing his train of thought. Though this time, he can feel Oikawa’s tongue glide along the bottom of his lip. He opens mouth lightly, and if he thought his kiss was captivating before, this is making him feel downright drunk.

Shouyou daringly let’s his hands travel along Oikawa’s chiseled back, feeling all the impressive ridges. One of Oikawa’s arms is holding himself up right beside Shouyou’s face, while the other teases at the hem of his shirt.

“Oikawa,” Shouyou interrupts, and Oikawa stops everything he was doing. The words escaped him before he even realized he was speaking. He knows he can trust Oikawa, and so he feels he should probably be transparent about his experiences. 

“I’ve never done any of this,” he says, feeling embarrassed.

“Any of what?” Oikawa asks.

Shouyou presses his lips tightly against each other, looking for the right words. “Anything past what we’ve just done.”

“So what would you like?” Oikawa questions soothingly, and Shouyou feels so hot from being flustered that all words have given up on him.

Luckily, Oikawa seems to pick up on this, so he rephrases once more. “Do you want to go further?”

Shouyou, thankful for Oikawa's attention, responds with a meek smile and a small nod.

And true to his word, Oikawa gave everything Shouyou was ready to experience that night. Kissing someone who was not Kageyama was so intriguing, it amazed Shouyou how enjoyable yet different it could be. And then to have Oikawa there with skillful hands touching him all over made it the most intimate night he has ever had so far in his life.

Thus began the next two years of seeing each other on and off. Argentina was not far, so Oikawa was able to fly over once again a few months later. More fun adventures during the day when Shouyou did not have work, lots of beach volleyball training, and even more new encounters during the nights. Shouyou did not even bother spending anytime in his shared apartment, this time he spent the whole week in Oikawa’s hotel.

With each night, Shouyou ends up having more firsts with Oikawa. Every new sexual activity they partook in, Oikawa was so attentive and affectionate, and never tried anything new until Shouyou assured him he was happy to move further. 

By the last night of Oikawa’s visit, Shouyou loses his virginity. The passionate night left Shouyou feeling exceedingly more sad when saying goodbye to him at the airport the next day, and with a final deep kiss, Oikawa promises him he will be back as soon as he can.

Not too long after it is Oikawa’s off season, and he has a free two weeks off that he once again spends with Shouyou in Brazil. 

Shouyou feels a tight feeling in his stomach after it is all said and done and they fall asleep soundly in each other’s arms. It’s cozy and very special, probably one of Shouyou’s favourite things to do with Oikawa. Though sometimes it goes beyond their sexual endeavours, and feels a little too scarily intimate. Oikawa’s arms wrapped tightly around his naked waist, sharing their body heat in any way they can. This night particularly felt extra affectionate, like Oikawa was cherishing every breath spent together when they were still awake. He touched Shouyou in just the right ways he knows will make him crazy like usual, though this time he was more vocal. Telling Shouyou many times how beautiful he was, how no one has ever made him feel good… And this time, their eye contact never broke once.

Shouyou dares to even think it felt loving.

The thought is frightening, dangerous waters he should not dare tread. Afterall, they simply have never talked about it. For good reason he’s sure, it probably isn’t that deep.

His thoughts are drowning him all too quickly, the undertow dragging him into the depths of insecurity. 

He nudges Oikawa, who was dozed off with steady breaths. The sleeping man attached to him grumbles, turning to face Shouyou with half lidded eyes.

Even now, he looks so ethereal it’s frustrating.

“Oikawa, what are we?” He asks with no thought behind his words. Regret fills him instantly as Oikawa’s eyes widen at the question. 

“Well, we’re friends,” he groggles, moving one arm underneath his head so he can perch himself up. “Friends who also sleep together, which I guess means we’re friends with benefits, yeah?”

“Right! I just wanted to make sure,” Shouyou says.

Oikawa laughs as he wraps an arm around Shouyou once more, pulling him close to where his chin rests atop the fiery nest of hair.

“It’s okay Shouyou, you have nothing to worry about if you’re afraid I’d do something dumb like catch feelings. I’m not that.”

And Shouyou convinces himself he’s happy with that response. 

The feelings grow over time quietly in the background. He was just having so much fun having this with someone he trusts wholeheartedly. Though with every goodbye, Oikawa would stick in his mind a little too much. 

They have so much fun together. Always teaching each other new tricks, sharing their new skills from the last time they’d seen each other. Playing volleyball until they were exhausted, Shouyou showing him around Brazil, introducing him to all his favourite restaurants, teaching him about meditation, showing him wonderful sights to be seen. It felt a little too domestic for just two friends.

And then, of course, when the night ends and the two of them end up in the same bed exploring each other, well that was a different kind of fun.

Shouyou is shy when it comes to those intimate evenings under the sheets. And then there is Oikawa, who is completely patient and there for him in those moments. Even when Shouyou can’t find the words of his lust, Oikawa is able to read him for exactly what he needs, and always verbalizes as confirmation to not cross a line. Never once has Shouyou ever initiated, and Oikawa does not seem to mind in the slightest. 

Oikawa oozes confidence, and that glowing determination fills Shouyou with nerves of his own. He fears messing up, even though Oikawa assures him every single time that he is perfect, especially when they are in those intimate moments.

There is a certain sense of vulnerability with Oikawa that Shouyou isn’t used to giving to others, which is why he believes he is so insecure of his own sexual abilities. Oikawa never hesitates with anything, and acts with no fear. It is such an attractive quality to Shouyou that he is almost jealous of it.

Though, as long as their time together continues being more pleasurable than the last, then Shouyou is thrilled.

The two lay on the smooth sand on the beach quietly, nothing but the distant laughter of people in the distance and soothing waves filling their ears. Shouyou is heading back to Japan in 2 months, preparing to finally play professionally. Therefore it is the last time Oikawa is able to visit him. At this point, Shouyou’s feelings for Oikawa are loud and clear in his heart, and the strength of this fleeting love stuck deep within him, like the sand he’s confident will never get out of his hair.

“Hey Shouyou, have you ever been in love?” Oikawa asks, gazing at the pink sky growing warmer with each passing second.

Shouyou feels momentarily stunned, before he responds, “I have.”

Oikawa hums in response, and the silence surrounds them once more.

“Have you?” Shouyou asks daringly. He’s unsure why he did, no matter what his answer is, he fears what this would unfold. 

He can hear Oikawa shuffle where he lays, adjusting his position. 

“Hm,” Oikawa ponders, and Shouyou takes a deep breath as quietly as he can. He continues, “tough to say. Maybe?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I can’t confidently say yes, which leads me to believe that the answer is no. Isn’t falling in love really fast? Like you blink, and all of a sudden your heart is being clenched by someone.” Oikawa says.

“I guess. But it’s not always that in your face,” Shouyou pauses, before nervously adding, “I think so, anyway.”

Oikawa is intrigued by this. “Oh? So tell me Shouyou, was it love at first sight for you?”

“The first time was pretty... guah!” Shouyou responds, though instantly regrets it when he hears Oikawa turn. Shouyou turns his head to Oikawa facing him.

“ _First_ time? You’re younger than me and yet you’ve experienced way more romantically. What a loverboy you are, Shouyou!”

Shouyou initially feels fear that Oikawa would have asked him about the second time he fell in love, yet feels a disappointing relief that that conversation is avoided. Oikawa probably did not care to know.

“I’m not really sure I believe in romance. Sure I’ve had crushes in the past, but it was never that deep. I don’t even know what I’m looking for to be honest.”

“Mhm,” Shouyou mumbles, hoping it did not sound as defeating as he feels. 

“Maybe if you were more forward you could have been my first love,” Oikawa laughs, nudging Shouyou’s elbow with his own, and it really, really hurts. 

Shouyou forces a laugh with him, looking straight up to the fading light above them. The glow of the sun is fading away slowly, stars ready to waltz above them. His eyes are burning as if he were staring straight at the sun, and he blinks furiously to fight it.

“Unless I can find someone who will sweep me off my feet and kiss me at sunset, I think I’m doomed,” Oikawa says absently.

Shouyou contemplates turning in the sand and doing just that, then telling him how he feels after. He simply could turn over, and show him how much he meant to him. It’s just a simple kiss, he should not feel so nervous to initiate it. He’s gone way further with Oikawa countless times during these past two years, so there should be no excuses.

And yet, Shouyou’s body feels so heavy. 

Oikawa beats him to it, and he is on top of him once more. He moves so swiftly that there is sand falling from his auburn hair onto Shouyou’s cheeks. Oikawa looks at Shouyou with half lidded eyes, and leans forward with a gentle kiss. Something that feels so good, so effortless from him. 

When Oikawa deepens the kiss, Shouyou presses his eyes shut, the tears that clung to him finally falling freely. 

They spend their final time together having a risqué night on the beach, and it was the most romantic experience Shouyou has ever had. Safe hands he was so familiar with, and delicate touches that he adored more and more each time they left him. 

It was a baffling evening with a man who did not love him back.

Shouyou can not stop the tears when he sees Oikawa off one last time at the airport. He desperately tries to hold them in until he’s out of sight, and fails miserably. Oikawa turns around for his final goodbye and hugs him tight. 

“Why are you crying?” Oikawa rubs the back of Shouyou’s head soothingly as he sniffles into his chest.

“I’m just,” he hiccups, and internally curses himself for being so weak. “I’m going to miss this so much. I’ve learned so much from you these past two years.”

Shouyou’s growth at this point in his adult life is largely thanks to Oikawa. He showed him new parts of himself he didn’t know existed sexually, volleyball wise, feelings wise. 

Oikawa smirks as he wipes his tears with his thumb. 

“I’ll miss you too Shouyou, so much. Here’s to whatever comes next for the both of us, yeah?”

He kisses him once more and he's off. 

Shouyou wonders why Oikawa worked so hard for him to learn to trust him, when all he really wanted from him was someone to have fun with. With each passing day inching him closer and closer to coming home, loud thoughts invade him trying to piece together why he was not what Oikawa wanted. 

He tries hard to avoid the most deafening shout in his ears, though it did not take long for it to take over his mind. His lack of advances towards the older setter is clearly why he would never want him. He said it himself that day on the beach, what was most desirable to him was someone to be bold, to show him exactly what they wanted.

And Shouyou was far from that. Far from anything that could have been seen as alluring to Oikawa, or to anyone for that matter.

_// I’d love to be in love with you enough to write a love song //_

It’s over a year later after leaving Brazil when Shouyou decides to confess his feelings for the fourth person he has ever fallen in love with. His golden haired setter on his new team is by far the most agonizingly charming person he’s ever come across.

Miya Atsumu was once one of the most talented volleyball players he had ever gone against, and now is the one who pushes Shouyou to fly as high as he could. He’s full of himself, tells terrible jokes, and yet Shouyou is not surprised in the slightest that he has once again fallen for someone who makes him feel the most powerful he can be. His dorky qualities are endearing, and there is also no one more caring than Atsumu is.

Not that Atsumu would ever admit it, of course.

After one final grueling practice, it is the end of the year where they finally have a week long break to do whatever they please. It is a long needed break after the high standards that come with being on one of the best volleyball teams in Japan, though Shouyou would never complain.

Shouyou had suggested that the two of them should kick off their small vacation by going to Atsumu’s favourite izakaya, which was responded with bouts of joy. 

When arriving at the bar, Shouyou starts them off with an order of a shot each of Atsumu’s favourite hard liquor (Shouyou wasn’t sure what it was), which had his blonde setter swivelling in disbelief. Shouyou has a distaste for liquor, but after months of Atsumu begging to cheers with him, a quick swig of a rubbing alcohol tasting beverage wouldn’t kill him.

Plus, the ecstatic glow on Atsumu alone makes the burn glide easily down his throat.

The evening moves on as it usually did when the two of them would spend time together alone. They enjoy delicious food, Atsumu has a beer, and speak easily with one another. 

Somewhere between it all, Shouyou finds himself cradling a beer himself, in hopes that it would calm his nerves for what is to come.

Shouyou finds himself leaning more towards Atsumu while they are sitting so close to each other, such as putting a hand on his shoulder while they laugh with one another. The lingering touches first stressed him out, for Shouyou was afraid it looked forced and did not feel authentic. But Atsumu seems to be melting into every touch he gave him, which just gave him even more courage to continue on.

From the years of disappointing romantic encounters, Shouyou is determined that tonight is the night the heartbreak parade will end. He’s learned enough from everyone leading up to this to make sure this evening is perfect.

He’s been more attentive than he ever has before with Atsumu’s likes, which is why he chose an izakaya in the first place. Unlike with Kenma, who had feelings for Kuroo, the Kenma expert.

He’s going to tell him exactly how he feels, no hesitation regardless of how terrifying it will be. Unlike with Kageyama, where the relationship crashed and burned due to Shouyou’s inability to tell him straight up his true feelings. 

And he’s finally, finally going to make the first move physically. Unlike with Oikawa, who only ever saw him as someone who was inexperienced, and therefore unenticing.

The evening at the Izakaya could not have gone smoother, and the two are walking in the direction of the subway.

There’s a lull in their conversation, and that is Shouyou’s sign to begin his goal.

And so he stops walking. Atsumu halts immediately, turning to give Shouyou a mystified look. With a deep breath, he takes one step forward. Atsumu doesn’t flinch, so he takes one more with a slowness that would put a snail to shame.

Shouyou’s heart feels as though it’s beating so fast that it’s about to run out of his body. He instantly regrets not drinking anymore at the bar, regretting the lack of liquid courage. 

Atsumu’s lips lightly part, and this is Shouyou’s key to continue. With one final step towards his goal, he steps on the tips of his toes as he wraps both his arms firmly around his setter’s neck. He pulls him down with conviction, and presses his lips against him.

It’s chaste, and it tastes like the dry beer that Atsumu had exhausted at the bar. And he’s warm, just as his brief touches always are. His movements are so fast that he’s let go before Atsumu could even have a chance to react. When he takes a step back, he looks at the blonde before him, cheeks rosy from more than just the cold winds around them.

Atsumu’s eyes are wide, and his lips are still ajar. Shouyou cannot read this expression from him, which frightens him. But he’s already committed, and the tight squeeze in his chest is begging him to keep going. 

There’s no turning back now.

“Atsumu,” he says with a sense of confidence he didn’t know was there. He looks him straight into his gaze, and Atsumu is enticed. 

“Atsumu,” he repeats once more, the faintest quiver lacing the last syllable. He hesitates for a moment, but Atsumu is patient. For once in his life, he does not interject. 

And that is all the strength Shouyou needs to continue.

“I have feelings for you.”

A cold drift pushes between them, their hair ruffling through the breeze. Shouyou is shivering, and he knows it's more than the cold that's causing it.

Atsumu is unmoving. Shouyou digs his fingernails into his palms in a desperate attempt to stable himself, but the shakes continue. Never had he missed the scalding heat of Brazil until this very moment. 

And then, Atsumu smiles.

His charming, dazzling grin that rivals the most beautiful sunrise. He pulls Shouyou in, and wraps his strong arms around him. A hug that brings him home. 

This is it. The exuberant force that is Miya Atsumu, holding Shouyou as though it were the last time. Shouyou can feel tears welling in his eyes, forever thankful for the thick jacket his face was pressed against hiding them.

“Shouyou…” It’s so soft; the same soothing tone Atsumu uses when Shouyou has a bad day at practice. The rich warmth of his sweet voice is invading him.

“You're without a doubt, the most thoughtful and caring person I ever met. To have someone like you in my life who would do anything for anyone - friend or foe, is inspiring. And I truly wish I was more like ya. Really, Shouyou, you’re that fantastic.” 

Atsumu’s grip tightens around his back with a force that borders uncomfortable. Shouyou loosens his arms, for this strength is laced with dread snaking around them. Atsumu pressed his face into the top of Shouyou’s head, nuzzling his chin in the fiery nest.

“And that's why I’m sorry, I don’t feel the same way.”

As if the temperature has dropped 20 degrees on this already cold winter night, Shouyou is frozen. After a few brief seconds, he moves from pure instinct and immediately pushes him away, taking an excessive amount of steps back. As if Atsumu is poison, and his grip is toxic. Shouyou can not bear to look at him for a second longer.

“Ah, right! That’s… that’s really okay!” He mumbles a little too loud, eyes focused on the midnight sky with scattered dark clouds. “I get it, really.”

Although no, he didn’t get it. Really, he could not understand what was happening.

“Shouyou-”

“Sorry that I kissed you! That wasn’t really cool of me to do that without asking!” Shouyou’s words are pitching to ranging tones, his nerves clearly evident.

“It’s okay. I knew it was comin’, and I didn’t stop ya,” he responds coolly.

That’s right. Atsumu didn’t stop him. He knew he was going to kiss him, and he let it happen. He cannot wrap his head around this, it's all happening too fast.

Atsumu laughs, and Shouyou can feel his self confidence shatter. 

_Why_ is he laughing? Why does he always offer to take him out for dinner after practice? Why does he make such flirty and lewd jokes to him, in front of everyone, and only to him? 

How could he laugh at Shouyou’s one sided feelings? 

Using whatever courage he has hidden within the depths of himself, Shouyou deliberately turns his stare to the man in front of him.

Atsumu stands tall, looking past Shouyou’s gaze. He’s a perfect image of beauty to Shouyou. The most gentle eyes, a compassionate and driven soul. And he’s smiling.

Hinata Shouyou was just rejected by the man he loves, and there stands his heartbreaker smiling his picture perfect smile.

“Well,” Shouyou’s voice cracks, but he’s sure that was a given. His flushed cheeks are too cold to feel the tears that accompany his shaky words. Although he’s not confident the tears have started falling, the look on Atsumu’s face as he turns to look at him is a good enough clue that he is finally crying.

“Sorry about all of that, I didn’t mean to put you in that uncomfortable position,” Shouyou hiccups, now confident the tears are freely rolling down. He hates how weak he is. 

Atsumu opens his mouth to interject, but Shouyou knows he cannot handle hearing another word escape soft lips. Oh what he would do to lose the lingering feeling of them against his own right now. He bites his bottom lip a little too hard to numb the ghosting feeling.

”I’ll see you once practice starts up again after the holidays! Tell Osamu I say hi!”

Shouyou is quick to turn his heel, and then he’s running.

He’s running so fast the cold wind against his face makes the tears feel like they’re going to freeze into sharp shards and hurt him. 

So he runs faster. 

He did everything right.

So why… didn’t he love him back? 

It was supposed to make sense. Atsumu’s smiles were genuine when they were together. He laughed harder with Shouyou than he did with anyone else. He seeks for his approval first whenever trying something new in volleyball. 

And yet, he...

He was smiling. 

He wants to turn around, to see if Atsumu was chasing after him. To at least, as a friend, make sure he was okay. Or maybe there was a part of him holding onto this false sense of reality that perhaps this was all a joke, and he did like him back. He stops running.

Maybe he will turn around, and Atsumu will be right there, and sweep him off his feet and tell him he was just teasing him like he always does.

And so he turns around,

And there is not a person in sight.

Just the cold empty streets, and a desolate road in a quiet part of town.

And here stands Shouyou, alone once more. 

He smiles, an almost imitation of the one that Atsumu had adorned on his face.

Of course he’s here by himself. It wouldn’t make any sense to have someone by his side.

He is sweet, friendly Shouyou. Always ready for new adventures, but never pitches the idea.

He is warm, cuddly Shouyou. The temporary affection that he’s always willing to share when anyone is in need of a home, yet no one ever wants to return it.

He is compassionate, attentive Shouyou. A safe vessel for anyone to pour their heart out to, and he's always more than ready to listen. Although none of them ever asked how he is feeling.

Shouyou takes a deep breath and closes his eyes as he feels the salty tears slowly subside, the last ones hitting his fragmented smile.

Right, he is simply just Hinata Shouyou. And why would anyone ever want that?

**Author's Note:**

> ouch
> 
> 01/03/21: The very sweet and talented Almaaz has written their interpretation of a sequel to this! So if you're looking for more that ends happily then go check out their work [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28451103), it's really awesome.
> 
> 01/15/2021: Another sequel has been written by the fantastic and wonderful Roannieeeee! You can check out their interpretation of a happy ending for the story [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28551990), it's super.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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